Extremism: America's Problem (June 22, 2006)

America’s problem is, by common majority logic and reasoning, that of extremism. Not left or right, not Democratic or Republican, not religious or agnostic, but our extremists on both sides of every fence.

An elegant solution, curiously not previously suggested, is inspired by physics and the laws of magnetism. When one combines a negative pole with another negative pole, these cancel each other out with dramatic and explosive effect.

We should find a viable way to cull the extremes from our great American society, thereby moderating and balancing our communities most effectively for future generations.

Let’s find a way to synergistically join our extremists with their oft-referenced brethren in Iran. Those included could indeed be:

- all who feel they live in an intolerably fascist USA, where the Patriot Act has decimated our freedoms
- all those who support the Iranian regime, raise and give charity to those terrorist organizations within their fold and those who see Iran (and its compatriots in arms Hugo Chavez and Kim Jong Il) as the guiding light of universal democracies
- those who find all solutions in increased multi-culturalism
- those who want Shariah law for our land and those, conversely, who feel threatened in our land by every manifestation of the Ten Commandments or God’s name in the public arena
- those conspiring militants, those confused about why and how the Twin Towers tumbled, those who have had sex with aliens, find transmitters in their teeth and feel Israel runs our country even when our government seems incapable of doing it for themselves
- those anti-smoking, anti-traditional marriage liberals who feel the hijab, clitoridectomy, and sexual slavery in the Middle East is an inspiring lesson in gender relations, respect, and freedom
- Rosie O’Donnell, Paris Hilton, Michael Moore, the Council on American-Islamic Relations, the ACLU, Louis Farrakhan and assorted others who see the devil in our society as it is currently constituted, and would turn it inside out at the first chance they get.

I, for one, would gratefully donate a good portion of my assets to convincingly support a one-way voluntary repatriation of these unhappy souls to Iran and Ahmadinejad, their savior on this transitory earth. Either our donated class of extremists would irrevocably change the mullahs and their followers for the better (as any change could not be for the worse) or our Iranian brethren would adjust our donation for all time (a change that likewise could not possibly be disadvantageous). Thus a negative and a negative might likely cancel each other out, a boon for both Iran and America, fermenting newly found friendships everywhere.

Think of the accolades we would receive as the donor country from the United Nations, having transferred the best and the brightest from our shores to the favorite country of the UN’s Security Council and their epiphanous Human Rights Council. We will then have further confirmation of our unrivaled generosity and of being a peace-loving country that exported not its bombs, but its universally beloved.